Lesson 19 - USE A SQUELCH

Visitor: "You call this a ranch? Why, I could get into my car, start early in the morning and still not have reached the end of my spread by sundown."
Ranch hand: "I had a car like that once."

"One day on a narrow country road in Connecticut my aunt's car stalled. While she was trying to start the engine a driver of the car behind her began blowing his horn repeatedly. My aunt set the parking brake, got out of her car and walked over to the driver's window. She smiled warmly and said, "I can't seem to get my car started. Would you be kind enough to start it for me? And I'll stay here and blow your horn for you." Joe P. to Dear Abby, 2007

 

What is a squelch?
It is a retort or quip used as a rejoinder to laugh about, make fun of or put someone down. Because this approach does not usually promote good interpersonal relations, the squelch or put-down is seldom appropriate in the normal conversational interactions of home or office. However, it might be fitting in certain situations. For example, the squelch is one way to deal with Snipers. Snipers are a class of difficult people who love to take verbal pot shots at others. They use put-downs or sarcasm which is designed to tease, ridicule, or mock someone they believe is a suitable target. The Sniper seems to enjoy making others uncomfortable. One way to handle this situation is to use a squelch.

This approach is not for everybody. Some people feel very uncomfortable in using rejoinders for a number of reasons --they think it will only create more problems with the person, they can't think of a good one to come back with that fits the situation, it isn't their personality style to be verbally combative, or, if they do make a stab at the verbal retort, the other person will come back with a much better one which will make them look sillier than ever. There are, of course, other ways to handle such a situation. Ignoring unkindly cuts at the time and then asking the person a question later is using the technique called Fogging. Never the less, using a put-down or squelch may have a place if (1) it is clear that person is trying to roast you with put-downs or sarcasm, and (2) it is your conscious decision to use the technique because you really don't want to promote or amend certain aspects of your interpersonal relationship with this person. If you can't confront the person directly with a squelch, you can always express it in the privacy of your home, school or office just to get the poison out of your system.

If you decide to use a squelch, you might want to memorize some statements so you can pick one out of your squelch arsenal that fits the occasion. Here are a few you might consider .

1. Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
2. Don't you need a license to be so mean?
3. Could I sell you a ticket to some place?
4. Your voice is a bit too loud for in door use.
5. You're the type that would throw a beer party and lock the bathroom.
6. I hope a pregnant elephant sits on your car keys
7. Give me a minute. I'm trying to find a way to ignore you.
8. Have I ever told you that the wart on your face is your best feature?
9. Don't feel bad, a lot of people have no talent.
10. You have a mind like a steel trap, always closed.
11. Have you considered opening a branch mouth.
12. I couldn't warm up to you if we were cremated together.
13. Do you believe in hate at first sight?
14. Don't worry about being replaced by an automation. They haven't invented a machine that does nothing yet.
15. I heard you were arrested for mooning yesterday, but they had to release you when they found out it was your face.
16. I don't know what makes you so obnoxious, but whatever it is it's working.
17. If you were your parents only child, I don't think you would be their favorite.
18. If I throw you a stick will you leave?
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Back off, you're standing in my aura.
22. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
23. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
24. Is it time for your medication or mine?
25. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

These are borrowed mostly from Bill Dana, famous for his José Jimenez alter ego.

Dealing with put downs at home or work.

Let's see how these might be used with a Sniper. Suppose you have just finished making dinner and your spouse comes in the door from work and comments on the smell of smoke in the house. "Another burnt offering, dear?" Here is your chance to select from the list above of possible cryptic responses to your spouse's comment. For example, try number 3, 7, 8, 10, 11, 15, 17, 22
You could add to number 12 by saying, "I'm getting the feeling that it's going to be difficult for me to warm up to you tonight even if we were cremated together." Be creative, change the wording or add to them to fit the situation. On the other hand, be careful about getting too much of a kick out of squelching people.

Make up a squelch response to this situation.

Mary was telling her neighbor, Joan, about how her husband had fallen off a ladder last week and severely sprained his ankle. The neighbor replied, "That's too bad. Didn't he know how to fall?"

Write a squelch type response to Joan's statement.

A possible response might be:
"Good, next time he's up on a ladder I'll call you over to show him how to fall off."

Dealing with comments and put downs for persons with disabilities.

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