Lesson 13 - LISTEN

"A good listener is the best physician." --Wendell Johnson

Listening is the act of paying attention to someone for the purpose of hearing and understanding what is said. It involves more then just the reception of the auditory stimuli. You have to act like a sponge, soaking up the verbal and non-verbal elements of the message.

Although we may pay attention to what is said and pick up the sounds, we sometimes miss the other person's intended meaning for a number of reasons:
1. You may not know the code, the language.
"Tengo hambre" This common Spanish phrase means:
(A) I am a man.
(B) I have a hamburger.
(C) Take the amber one.
(D) I'm hungry.

2. The other person sends a mixed message.
"We will take it under advisement." means:
(A) We love your plan.
(B) In just a few days you will hear from us.
(C) Your plan stinks, but we can't say so right out.
(D) You plan will likely never get approved.
(E) We have to think more about it.

3. You were thinking about something else and only heard the following words of this sentence.
"You xxxx this xxxx xxx xx. It's well over $10,000 xxxxx."
(A) You just won $10,000. 00 in the California lottery.
(B) You owe $10,000.00 on your income tax.
(C) Your company just got an order for 10,000 more widgets.
(D) The stock market went crazy.

4. The other person didn't code it very well.
Here are some instructions for putting together the child's tricycle you just purchased. "With the left hand holding the handlebars in the right, put the round bolt not on the underside of the hole in the frame, but on the top and slip the bolt thru and fasten it securely."

5. Your thought system has hardened its constructs.
"Sadam is coming to the table" means:
(A) He wants to make peace.
(B) He wants to make war.
(C) He wants his dinner.

6. Your self-concept is at an all time low.
Your boss compliments you on your work. This means
(A) Now I know my boss is a fool.
(B) This just means I'll be chewed out tomorrow.
(C) Why can't people be sincere.
(D) My boss must have me confused with someone else.

In summary, hearing is more than just listening. If we really want to hear what the other person intends to say, we may have to do more than just listen; we have to do what is called "active listening" or "listening with greater understanding."

This kind of listening mainly involves the communication skills of attending and paraphrasing. It requires "two big ears and a small mouth." Let's examine these skills in more depth.

Attending

Suppose you are listening to a speaker. Position yourself right now to indicate that you could care less what the speaker is talking about. What would you be doing? You would likely be sitting back in your chair, looking anywhere but at the speaker, arms crossed, and body turned to one side. You would not be attending to the speaker. You would be paying attention to your own mental agenda.

The communication skill of attending involves four components which can be easily remembered with this memory device: F - O - R - E

F - Face the other person. Stand or sit directly facing the person speaking.

O - Open posture. You may feel more comfortable with your arms or legs crossed, but the nonverbal message you send is that you are closed off or defensive to the speaker.

R - Relax and concentrate. Put your mind to the task of focusing and thinking about what is being said.

E - Eye contact. Look at the person, not necessarily all the time, but at least quite a bit of the time. If it makes you nervous to look directly into the person's eyes, look at the person's nose, forehead or chin.

Attending behaviors communicate non-verbally. These non-verbal, meta messages are "read" on a conscious and on an unconscious level by the participants of any verbal exchange. They say, "I am listening to you." or "I am not listening to you." or "I am to some extent listening to you."

The skill of attending can be learned. It requires an assessment of your present level of skill and desire to listen. Try an experiment. Next time you are in a social conversation with someone, notice how you are standing in relation to the person, what is your posture, and how much of the time are you looking at the person. Then, put yourself in the other person's place and ask yourself, "according to these non-verbal cues, would I read me as attending or not attending?"

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is a major component of the art of effective listening. It is a communication skill that can be learned. Paraphrasing is restating in your own words what you heard the person say. It is also called reflective listening, active listening or listening with understanding. The skill involves three steps (LIP): (L) Listen carefully to the message, (I) Identify its essential content and/or feeling, and (P) Paraphrase, that is, state the content and/or feeling of the message in your own words.

The skill of paraphrasing serves as a meaning check for the listener. It lets both the speaker and the listener know that the meaning of the message has been heard correctly. Active listening applies a lubricating ingredient to the conversation. It facilitates the mouthpiece to increase the flow of talk in both the quantity of words and the understanding of each other's meanings. Both speaker and listener may then clarify the message, thus promoting understanding and effective communication. Paraphrasing is not just repeating the same words the person said. Don't just word swap. This is "parroting" not paraphrasing.

It is not the goal of effective interpersonal communication to paraphrase everyone all the time. This is especially true if you want to end a conversation or if someone asks you for directions to the rest room. There are times, however, the skill of paraphrasing may be appropriately applied:
(1) When you are dealing with an exploder.
(2) When someone comes to you with a problem.
(3) When someone is trying to communicate an idea or solution.
(4) When someone gives you constructive feedback.
(5) When you want to use a "door opener."

Here are some specific examples of these situations:

1. With an exploder
Irate Caller: "You're the fifth person I've been referred to. You people need to get your act together. Why can't someone just answer my question?

Clerk using paraphrase: "I can tell you've been getting the run around.
What's the problem? Let's see if I can help.

2. When one of your friends comes to talk to you about a problem.
Friend: "I don't think I should have ever started seeing John. He's getting serious about me, but I don't really like him that much."
You: "It sounds like you would like to find an easy way to break off the relationship."

3. When someone is trying to teach you something.
You are new on the job and your supervisor is giving you instructions:
Supervisor explains how the company wants incoming callers greeted and responded to on the phone.

You, using paraphrase: "Now, let me see if I have this correct. To each incoming caller I say, 'Good morning or good afternoon. Thank you for calling WISC. To whom should I route your call.' Is that correct?"

4. When your boss gives you constructive feedback.
You to Boss: "Your suggestion is that I say, 'How can I help you, rather than, 'To whom should I route your call.'"

5. When you want to use a door opener.
One of the persons you supervise appears to be troubled about something and is not doing as good a job as usual.
You: "I notice you seem to be bothered by something. Anything I can do to help? I'm a good listener."

HIDDEN WORDS
B A H H N E T O I L
N T E E C F H O N Q
D N A T S R E D N U
J Q R V K M C Z P A

Listen
to
_ _ _ _ (4 letters)

and
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (10 letters)

Answer: raeh and dnatsrednu (read these words backwards)

A phony listener is one who gives you full attention without hearing a word you say.
A distracting listener is one who hears what you say, but doesn't pay attention.
A good listener attends and tries to understand.

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

Assignment 7: Active Listening Exercise (Lesson 13)

Read the dialog below and write a reply (you as the Teller) using the skill of listening.

Teller: "Good morning sir. How are you today? What can I do for you?"
Irate customer: "You people have made an error. I got an insufficient funds notice, but I know there was money in my account to cover my last check." (Hint: Write a paraphrase of the person's concerns and don't respond to the "make fault" accusation.)

Teller says:

Send this assignment as an email to the Instructor, Marshall Chatwin

After that, go on to Lesson 14.

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