Lesson 9 - DEALING WITH FEELINGS - The Rational Emotive Approach
"As a man thinketh so is he." The Bible "We are not worried by things, but by our ideas about things. When we meet difficulties, become anxious or troubled, let us not blame others, but rather ourselves, that is: our idea about things." -Epictetus, about 60 AD "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. E. Roosevelt
"As a man thinketh so is he." The Bible
"We are not worried by things, but by our ideas about things. When we meet difficulties, become anxious or troubled, let us not blame others, but rather ourselves, that is: our idea about things." -Epictetus, about 60 AD
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. E. Roosevelt
Self talk In dealing with a potentially debilitating emotional overload that may occur in stressful situations, we borrow some of the ideas and techniques developed by Dr. Albert Ellis.
According to Dr. Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), "Humans largely disturb themselves -- "your own unreasonable, irrational ideas make you severely anxious, depressed, self-hating, enraged, and self-pitying about virtually anything --yes, virtually anything." RET is built on the belief that how we emotionally respond at any moment depends on our interpretations --our views, our beliefs, our thoughts --of the situation. In other words, it is what we say to ourselves, not what actually happens to us, that produces our emotions.
If our self-talk is accurate and in touch with reality, we function well. If it is inaccurate, untrue or irrational, we don't function well. For example, I'm flying in a plane and there is a bit of air turbulence. I say to myself, "The airplane's wing is shaking. It's going to fall off." This thought is based on an erroneous conclusion that when an airplane's wing shakes, it falls off. Not true! Wings don't typically fall off of planes. But when I keep telling myself that the wing will fall off, I make myself emotionally upset, afraid and distraught to the point that I can not think clearly nor function effectively.
Read these statements and list some of the reasons the ideas would be considered irrational. "I am a worthless person. No one will ever love me." "I have a pain in my stomach; it must be cancer."
They are irrational, because they are either untrue or are based on outright misconceptions. They are stated as absolutes and therefore, preclude other options. They are assumptions, not reality. They leave few or no alternatives. They lead to further negative thinking and they induce negative emotions.
Click here to take the Beliefs Inventory to see if you are inclined to irrational thinking (according to Ellis) about certain things.
From thoughts to feelings and actions The cognitive psychologists believe that our thoughts instigate our feelings. If you think people don't like you, you feel disappointed and withdraw socially. If you think nothing will work out well for you, you feel sad or passive and don't try. If you think you must have help to do something, you may feel inadequate and become dependent on others for help. If you think you are stupid and incompetent, you may feel self-critical and worthless.
Here are some of Ellis' songs to be sung by those who are caught up in negative self talk. Sing them to get the full effect of their message.
How Beautiful (To the tune of America) How beautiful my life would be If I had what I need. Someone who'd love me constantly Who's love was guaranteed. Love Slob am I Love Slob am I And guess I'll always be. Cause I've not learned to love myself Less someone's loving me. I Am Just a Love Slob (To the tune of "Annie Laurie") Oh, I am just a love slob, Who needs to have you say That you will sure adore me Forever and a day. If you won't guarantee For ever mine to be, I shall whine and scream And make life stormy And then lay me doon and dee.
How Beautiful (To the tune of America)
How beautiful my life would be If I had what I need. Someone who'd love me constantly Who's love was guaranteed.
Love Slob am I Love Slob am I And guess I'll always be. Cause I've not learned to love myself Less someone's loving me.
I Am Just a Love Slob (To the tune of "Annie Laurie")
Oh, I am just a love slob, Who needs to have you say That you will sure adore me Forever and a day.
If you won't guarantee For ever mine to be, I shall whine and scream And make life stormy And then lay me doon and dee.
Changing our thoughts/feelings/behaviors Ellis suggests that we can deal with our debilitating irrational thoughts and their negative impact on our feelings and our behavior by recognizing, questioning, challenging, and changing each irrational idea. Think of yourself as your-own-scientist, checking out your ideas and constantly monitoring your beliefs about the past and your expectations about the future, by asking, "What is the evidence?"
This is a diagram showing the process of negative self talk and how to change it.
RET and coping with difficult people
Here's an example applying the Rational Emotive approach in dealing with difficult people. Rather than think of a conflict situation being awful, terrible, something that you can't stand and can't handle. Stop the negative mental self talk cycle and think to yourself, "Wait a minute. These thoughts are negative and irrational. I'm not going to let this person steal my energy. I can deal with this person and I can cope with this situation. In fact, this is an opportunity to practice some of my communication and COPE skills." In other words, don't let yourself be debilitated by destructive self talk. Let your positive self talk be soothing and supporting. Put the situation in perspective, summon your inner strengths and move to the next step which is setting your Objectives.
(More about this in Lesson 11).
Supplementary readings on applying the principles of RET to everyday life
(1) Learn more about RET and Albert Ellis.
(2) Learn more about how to relax away anxiety and handle difficulties with mindfulness.
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"You can't stop birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair." --Chinese proverb "Resentment is the poison you take yourself hoping the other person will die." C. Thoresen "It's not the burden that gets you down, it's the way you carry it." "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."Alcoholics Anonymous "The Buddha replied, if someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong? If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you." from Steve Pavlina.com
"You can't stop birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair." --Chinese proverb
"Resentment is the poison you take yourself hoping the other person will die." C. Thoresen
"It's not the burden that gets you down, it's the way you carry it."
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."Alcoholics Anonymous
"The Buddha replied, if someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong? If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you." from Steve Pavlina.com
Minute Paper - Lesson 9: Please review the main ideas presented in this lesson and respond to this question. "What was the most useful point you learned?" If you want, please include your thoughts/comments about the best part of this material, the muddiest point presented, any mistakes you noticed, or difficulties you may have with hardware or software.
Send your Minute Paper as an email to the Instructor, Marshall Chatwin
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