Lesson 6 - ASSERTING
To be assertive is more easily understood when contrasted with being passive and aggressive. To be passive is to be docile, obedient, calm, quiet and long-suffering. To be aggressive is to be combative, loud, offensive, pushy and impatient. To be assertive is to be declarative, affirmative, assured, emphatic and patient. People who act basically from the passive or the aggressive mode are usually seen as difficult people types. Assertive people stand up for their own rights as well as the rights of others. They are insistent, but this insistence is tempered with a willingness to work out differences and solve problems for the mutual benefit of the persons involved. The assertive person says, "I don't have to be a doormat, nor do I have to be a bully." The middle ground between these two extremes is assertive. Being able to be assertive when the situation warrants it is one of the basic communication skills. It is the basis for the skill of "straight talk" which is one of the coping strategies discussed in Lesson 14. Communication is likely to be improved when you are send straight talk, assertive messages.
Assertiveness Practice Exercise The following activities are designed to help acquaint you with the concept of assertiveness and help you practice making assertive responses.
Imagine this situation. You plan to do a couple of errands on your lunch break. You rush to the store and then to the bank hoping to transact your business as quickly as possible so you won't get back to work late. When you arrive at the bank there is a long line of people waiting for an available teller. You stand in the line waiting your turn. You are almost up to the front of the line when someone who has been filling out a deposit slip at the table nearby slowly moves in front of you in the line. This person is the same size and sex as you are. How would you feel? What would you do?
1. I would feel annoyed or angry but would do nothing.
2. I would feel annoyed/angry and would politely but firmly tell the person to move to the back of the line.
3. I would feel annoyed/angry. I would say nothing to the person but would complain to the teller about how rude and disrespectful people can be.
4. I would feel annoyed/angry and would most likely make a snide or sarcastic remark to the other people in the line hoping the cut-in would get the message and go to the end of the line.
5. I would feel annoyed/angry and would tell the person in no uncertain terms to get to the end of the line.
6. I wouldn't have any feelings about it one way or another.
This table summarizes differences among these ways of responding.
Activity - Classify the above statements into the four categories of Response Modes indicated in the table below.
Key: (1) passive, (2) assertive, (3) passive/aggressive, (4) passive/aggressive, (5) aggressive, (6) passive or dead maybe.
Read the situations below and label each response as passive, assertive, aggressive, or passive /aggressive. The first one is done for you as an example.
1. You are in the library. Two people are talking loudly nearby and interfering with your concentration.
a. Get up and move to another location. (PASSIVE) b. Say nothing, but keep clearing your throat. (PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE) c. Ask them to please be a little quieter. (ASSERTIVE) d. Tell them to shut up. (AGGRESSIVE)
a. Get up and move to another location. (PASSIVE)
b. Say nothing, but keep clearing your throat. (PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE)
c. Ask them to please be a little quieter. (ASSERTIVE)
d. Tell them to shut up. (AGGRESSIVE)
2. An acquaintance says to you, "Why aren't you married yet? After all, you are 26?"
a. "That's none of your business." b. "I'm checking out all the prospects and deciding which one of the many to choose from." c. "I don't know." d. "I don't know." Later tell a friend about being asked this question and say that you certainly don't want to make the mistake that person did."
a. "That's none of your business."
b. "I'm checking out all the prospects and deciding which one of the many to choose from."
c. "I don't know."
d. "I don't know." Later tell a friend about being asked this question and say that you certainly don't want to make the mistake that person did."
3. You are about to go out on a date with someone you like. One of your friends happens to drop by and asks if he/she can come along.
a. Tell him/her you have been planning for just you and your friend to go out together tonight. b. Invite him/her because you don't want to hurt his/her feelings. c. Tell him/her that it was stupid to ask. d. Invite him/her but don't talk to him/her all evening.
a. Tell him/her you have been planning for just you and your friend to go out together tonight.
b. Invite him/her because you don't want to hurt his/her feelings.
c. Tell him/her that it was stupid to ask.
d. Invite him/her but don't talk to him/her all evening.
4. (Advisor to student) I don't think you should take that course. It is not needed for your major.
a. "What right do you have to tell me what to take. It's my life." b. "OK." But tell your friend not to listen to that advisor because he doesn't know what he's talking about. c. "My program allows for electives. I want to take it because I am interested in it." d. "What should I take?"
a. "What right do you have to tell me what to take. It's my life."
b. "OK." But tell your friend not to listen to that advisor because he doesn't know what he's talking about.
c. "My program allows for electives. I want to take it because I am interested in it."
d. "What should I take?"
Check your answers to numbers 2 - 4 above:
2. a. aggressive, b. assertive, c. passive, d. passive, but later aggressive. 3. a. assertive, b. passive, c. aggressive, d. passive/aggressive 4. a. aggressive, b. passive, but later aggressive, c. assertive, d. passive
2. a. aggressive, b. assertive, c. passive, d. passive, but later aggressive.
3. a. assertive, b. passive, c. aggressive, d. passive/aggressive
4. a. aggressive, b. passive, but later aggressive, c. assertive, d. passive
5. You work at Harry's Hamburgers. Harry noticed your good work and promoted you to shift manager. Andy is a new employee on your shift and has been a good worker. He has not been late before, but today comes in an hour late. Write a passive, aggressive, assertive, passive/aggressive response to say to Andy.
Aggressive
Passive/Aggressive
Assertive
Passive
6. A month ago a friend borrowed $10 from you and promised to pay it back in one week. It's been two weeks and you happen to see him/her. Write a passive, aggressive, assertive, passive/aggressive response to this situation.
Types of Assertions
1. Basic assertions
a. Stating or standing up for your opinions, feelings, beliefs, rights, likes and dislikes. "I would like to go on a picnic." "I'm upset you're so late." "I like to take a shower in the morning.. It wakes me up." "I believe you should try to do your best at whatever you do." "I voted for - "
b. Honestly saying "yes'' or "no". "Are you angry with me?" "Yes I am." "No, I won't tell a lie for you."
c. Making a simple request. "I didn't completely understand what you said in class yesterday." "Could you go over this idea with me?" "Please take out this sack of trash." "I'd like to return this clock."
d. Making suggestions "Let's go out to dinner this weekend." "Let's talk about alternatives."
e. Apologizing or making amends. "I'm sorry about the trouble this has caused you."
f. Directing. "I'd like you to pick me up at 3:00 o'clock." "No candy now, Johnny. It's almost dinner time."
2. Escalated assertions - appropriate when the other person ignores your basic assertion
a. "Broken record" - Look directly as the person and restate what you said earlier. Make your voice determined but not angry. "As 1 said before, I'm not interested." "I know you need to get to San Francisco but I just don't lend out my car."
b. State the problem again and ask what the person can to for you. "I called in advance and had a room reserved. What can you do for us?"
c. Recognize the other person's concerns and state or restate how strongly you feel about the matter or how important it is to you and ask for what you want. "I know I'm late but I would really like to get into your class. I'm willing to work hard to made up the work I've missed. Would you let me in?"
d. A three-part escalated assertion message. This may be used when there is a discrepancy between what the person said he/she would do and what he/she actually did. It is a confrontive assertion consisting of three parts --the other person's behavior, your feelings, and the problem the behavior creates. "When you don't clean the counter after making snacks, I feel annoyed because it makes more work for me." A less formal example is: "I said it was OK to borrow my records if you checked with me first. I am upset with you for not asking. There are some I don't want to lend out. Please check with me next time. Ok?"
e. Ask to speak to a higher authority Save this option until last. You can always do this after you have exhausted the other escalated assertion alternatives.
* See R. Bolton, People Skills, Prentice Hall, 1979 (Describes three-part escalation messages in detail.)
The Passive/Assertive/Aggressive Continuum To get a picture of the relationships between passive, assertive, and aggressive responses, read this situation and look at the chart below.
Situation:
In the middle of dinner one evening, you get a phone call from a XBell asking you to switch phone companies. You already have a better deal, so you decline by saying...
1. "Well, I don't think I'm really very interested." 2. "I already have a rate that is better than yours. I'm not interested in changing now." Hang up. 3. "I'm not interested. Thanks for the offer". Hang up and complain to your spouse how rude people can be to call at dinner time. 4. "I'm not interested. Thanks for the offer." Hang up the phone to disconnect it, then pick up the phone again pretend to talk to the person and bawl him/her out for calling you at dinner time. 5. "I don't want a new service. Don't call me again." Hang up. 6. "Do not call me at dinner time. I know where you live; I'll send the mafia." Hang up.
Study the following chart. Note how these responses fit on the three dimensional continuum in relation to each other. For example, response number 1 is very passive, so it is placed way over on the passive side. Why might response 4 be more passive/aggressive that response 3? Why is response 5 more aggressive than response 2?
Read through the table below and note the differences between the three types of responses.
A COMPARISON OF THE DIFFERENCES IN RESPONSE TYPES
"To teach a child to be courteous to everyone is good, but when he grows up he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway."
Assignment 2: Escalated Assertions Activity (Lesson 6)
Practice exercise using escalated assertions
Take something back to the store that let's say you bought six months ago. Assume that you are in the store at the return item counter and you say to the clerk, " I would like to return this _________." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry but our policy is not to take back items that were purchased six months ago. Write four statements that illustrate a series of escalated assertions as described below: (Assume that the clerk refuses to take it back each time.)
1. Make a statement the fits the idea of "broken record" described in this lesson.
2. Recognize the other's concern and repeat "broken record."
3. State how strongly you feel about the matter and your reason for returning it.
4. Ask to speak to the manager.
Send this assignment as an email to the Instructor, Marshall Chatwin
After that, move on to Lesson 7 or assertively ignore this directive and do somethng else.
To Lesson 7
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