Lesson 2 - ROADBLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

"Macho Law forbids me to admit I'm wrong."

Here are some examples of messages that disrupt effective communication. Add a few more to each category from your own experience.

OBSTRUCTIVE MESSAGES

1. Communication cut offs
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

2. Filibuster - Overlong monologues (No examples needed for this one.)

 

3. Ridiculing questions - Put down questions
"Don't you ever look at the facts?"
"Don't you realize what you are doing?"

4. Speaking in absolutes - Over generalizations
"You never listen to me."
"You'll never get it right."

5. Name calling
"You acted like a fool." "You're a snob."
"You're a loser." "You're ugly."

6. Berating comparisons
"You can't take a joke anymore."
"Jim can do it better than you can."

7. Should or ought to statements intended to belittle or shame
"You ought to be friendlier."
"You shouldn't be so sensitive."

8.Arguing - Disputing (Please don't give examples for this one.)

9.Commanding
"Don't you ever say that again."
"Get that smile off your face right now."

10. Threatening
"If you do that again you're going to get it."
"One more time like this and I'm leaving."

11. Using sarcasm - Humor which attempts to ridicule or deride another person
"No, I don't mind your whining. It's music to my ears."

12.Assuming - Jumping to conclusions rather than checking things out. (Click here for an episode of, "Ron and Julie Make Assumptions and Guesses."

13. Speaking for the other person
Doctor, we came here because George thinks I'm overbearing. Now let me tell you what his problem is."

Question - Why are obstructive messages likely to hinder effective communication? Click here to write your answer.

PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES
Everyone plays psychological games at times. Some people play them continually and others seldom play. Many games are relatively harmless, others create considerable difficulty and a few are designed to persecute someone.

Psychological games are interpersonal interactions in which one person manipulates another person in order to get a payoff. Some examples of pay-offs might include: avoiding responsibility, getting attention, getting sympathy, gaining power and control over others.

All games have three elements: (1) the bait or con which hooks the another person into playing the game, (2) the weak spot in the person who takes the bait and gets caught up in the game, and (3) the pay-off for the person who starts the game.

Types of games:

"Yes, but ..." Always making excuses

"Now I've got you" Setting up a situation which traps the other person

"Poor me" Continually telling others how bad things are

"Blemish" Always finding fault with others

"Wooden leg" Faking an ailment

"Harried" Too busy to do a good job

"Blame" Always blaming others when things go wrong

"Retaliation" Doing what ever to get even

"Uproar" Doing something to get others into a fight

An example of a "Yes, but.." game

Two friends, Mary and Joan, are talking on the phone.

Joan - "I wonder if you could look in the paper and see if there are any want ads for jobs that I could apply for? You know I don't get the daily newspaper."

Mary - "I guess so, just a minute." After getting the paper, "Here's one. It's in retail sales in a small shop in Carmel."

Joan - "I don't want to go that far to work. It's seven miles from my house and I hate to take the bus."

Mary - "Here's a job you could do at home. It's in telephone sales."

Joan - "I'm really not interested in that kind of work. I don't want have to call people."

Mary - "Here's a good one. It's near your house. How about a receptionist job in an insurance office?"

Joan - "I don't think they would hire me? Besides, they will probably want someone with computer skills."

Mary - "Do you really want a job?"

Joan - "Not to change the subject, but my cat smells like musk."

Identifying the elements of the game

In the "Yes, but" game above, see if you can identify the: 1. bait, 2. weak spot 3. pay-off.

Answers: (1) bait or hook - Joan says, "I wonder if you could look in the paper...." (2) weak spot- Mary is a helpful person who wants to take care of others, but maybe sometimes too much. (3) payoff- Joan gets attention, avoids responsibility, justifies her helplessness, and gets sympathy at least until Mary figures out what is going on and stops playing the game by saying, "Do you really want a job? Now that Joan's game is brought out in the open, Joan tries to escape by changing the subject.

Examples of Communication and Game Playing in Business

The Center for Management Research, Inc. has a list of the "Twelve Common Manipulative Tactics used by Unfair Negotiators." Notice how many of them are examples of obstructive messages and games.

Minute Paper - Lesson 2: Please think back to the lesson above and respond to this question. "What was the most useful point you learned?" If you want, please include your thoughts/comments about the best part of this material, the muddiest point presented, any mistakes you noticed, or difficulties you may have with hardware or software.

Send your Minute Paper as an email to the Instructor, Marshall Chatwin

WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL - Firings will continue until morale improves.

Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

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